Monday, October 20, 2014

PUMPKIN RIOTS??? (Good grief, Charlie Brown...)

          When I first saw the story concerning rioting at a pumpkin festival in lily white Keene, New Hampshire, I thought the story must be a creation of those funny guys at "The Onion."  After all, riot police firing rubber bullets and tear gas into a crowd of unruly pumpkin festival goers is too bizarre to be true, right?  But this wasn't fake news from a satirical website, it was actual news from a lot of independent sources.  Dozens of arrests were made.  Dozens of young people were treated for injuries at local hospitals.  It qualified as a riot, by anyone's standards.

           Folks in Ferguson, Missouri must be wondering what's wrong with white folks.  I mean, it's not like some cop shot an unarmed student for walking down the middle of the street.  

           My theory is that white kids in New Hampshire desperately need a cause.  It's one thing to go out and overturn cars and throw bottles if your favorite team has finally brought home an NBA or NFL title.  That's an American tradition, as time honored as fireworks on the Fourth of July, or a trip to the gym after overeating for an entire Thanksgiving weekend.  It's just what you do when you aren't busy with something important.  Ask anybody.

           But gathering to drink and rage in a quiet little Mayberry-esque village in October?  Shit, people, this isn't spring break at Daytona Beach!

           No... the kids at Keene State College and the surrounding area really need some way to vent their pent up emotions and energy.

           Too bad we don't have a couple of never ending wars to protest, or a creeping theocracy in our state and federal government to stand up against.  I imagine Elizabeth Warren would have been willing to interrupt her nascent presidential campaign to attend if those kids had been raging in the street about the government's on-going practice of student loan usury.

           But a pumpkin festival?

           Good grief...


Friday, October 17, 2014

"HONEST, I DIDN'T DO IT!" ("Don't worry about it, we know...")

Not my baby's right eye... her's looks WAY worse...               

          I make a lot of jokes about my lovely (and dangerous) wife's martial arts skills, and those who know us hear a lot more than folks read here on this blobber.  I've frequently told friends that when we're out in public, my little ninja serves as my bodyguard.  My favorite saying in times of distress is, "Take the woman, don't hurt me!" because I know if someone DID take her, they'd bring her right back.  If they were at all able.  She's earned her fourth degree black belt, and will soon test for her fifth... and no doubt, she'll earn that one, too.

          I bring this up in order to tell the following story... and every word of this is true.

          During the night on the day after our return from our tour of Washington, D.C., my wife got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a bottle of water.  She makes ten or fifteen little hikes to the bathroom or kitchen every night, so she has no need of lights with which to navigate in our darkened home.  I can't find my way to the first doorway without pawing around like Stevie Wonder in a corn maze, but she's like a bat... navigating by echolocation or some other mysterious method that allows her to maintain a brisk pace, even in pitch black darkness.

          Apparently, she was trotting along at a nice clip two nights ago when she attempted to drink from the plastic water bottle as she left the kitchen.  I didn't hear her trip or hit the edge of the kitchen door frame with her face.  I didn't hear her get an ice pack out of the freezer, nor did I hear her return to the bedroom.  In fact, I didn't know there had even been "an incident" until I saw her face the following morning.

          "Holy shit!  What the hell happened to you???" was all I could say.

          She started laughing, shaking her head, and told me about her trip to the sharp edge of the door frame, right eye first.  Her eyelid was blood red, and there was a trace of blue under her right eye to go along with a nice little red vertical crease above and below the eye.  That was yesterday morning.  Today, it's much much much much worse.  

           As she was getting ready for work yesterday morning I asked her what she intended to tell folks in her office when they asked about the eye.  She said she would tell them she teaches cardio kickboxing... because that's not a lie (she can't pull off even the whitest of lies without immediately confessing the transgression...).  I reminded her that she sucks at lying, and she nodded in agreement.  She would just tell people the ugly, ridiculous truth: she had stumbled into a door frame while trying to drink and walk at the same time in the dark.  Don't drink and walk...  Ought to be on public service announcements any day now.

            Last night she went to her karate class, and I warned her some people in her class would think she was living with a wife-beater.  She laughed and laughed.

             "Honey, no one who knows you will think you're capable of doing this to me." was what she said.

            Now, there are two ways a person could take that reassuring message.  The first, and probably her intended message, was that no one who really knows me would believe me capable of hitting a woman in the face.  Just not my nature to hit someone, and I certainly wouldn't hit a woman.  (well... Ann Coulter, maybe... if I'm truly honest with myself, I have to admit I'd love to bitch slap Ann Coulter... but I digress...)

             The other, far more insulting message implied by her comment is the one that says "No one would EVER believe you could land a punch against me, you silly man."  And that was the message I got after thinking about it for an hour or two after she left for class.

              She's right with either message, of course, but that's not the point.

              I didn't do it.

              But I'm not convinced I couldn't, if I really had to.

              Do I ever intend to put on gloves and a sparring helmet to find out?

              No way in hell.

              Every marriage needs a little mystery.  This will have to be ours.


Thursday, October 16, 2014

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND (actually, after one request...): A SLIDESHOW VID OF OUR NEW GRANDSON BEING ADORABLE (cuteness warning: diabetic seizures possible)

           I wasn't going to do this.  In fact, I made a vow NOT to become one of those grandparents who bores the shit out of everyone with baby pics.  But... What can I say?  He's my first grandchild, and he's got a serious case of The Cutes goin' on.

           A little over five months old, and already running things.

OBAMA "ORCHESTRATED" THE EBOLA CRISIS IN ORDER TO CONFISCATE YOUR GUNS, PEOPLE! (batshit conspiracy theories from the right side of the asylum...)

            Want to know what happens when you turn off the television and ignore newspapers for a week?  Well, among other things, you realize the sky isn't really falling and life is sort of sweet.  But you also get WAY behind on the conspiracy theory rumor mill.

            Since returning from our visit with a new grandbaby (and a quick detour through Washington DC) I've been trying to ease back into the hot tub of national news, one toe at a time, so as not to scald myself.  But I'm already getting bruises from repeated facepalm slaps, and I'm beginning to wonder if my life might be less stressful if I just keep myself blissfully unaware of what idiots and cranks are pumping into the conservative cesspool.  A quick look at the latest sludge reports confirm the obvious:  the lunatics are losing their shit all around us.

             There are too many examples of idiotic comments to bother listing... and it defeats the purpose if we repeat things we wish weren't being said.  If Michael Savage wants to tell the world our president's administration hopes to "infect the nation" with Ebola, I guess it's his right to spew whatever his listeners tune in to hear.  I don't remember liberals blaming George W. Bush for communicable disease outbreaks, but then, why would we have to make up scandals when there were so many real ones to choose from?

             According to various reports, a conservative wingnut by the name of Morgan Brittany has published a column in World Net Daily (motto: "Read tomorrow's email forwards today!") in which she suggests President Obama has "orchestrated" the Ebola outbreak in America in order to declare martial law.  Why would he want to declare martial law, you ask?  Well, silly, that's obvious!  He wants to confiscate your guns!  Duh...

             Seriously.  I don't know who this woman is, or why anyone would publish her train wreck stream of consciousness nonsense, but here's what she pecked out on her computer:

"My fear is that this has all been orchestrated from the very beginning. Who knows? Maybe the current administration needs this to happen so martial law can be declared, guns can be seized and the populace can be controlled. Once that happens ... game over."

              She also brings up the old story of Obama's administration purchasing millions of "disposable coffins", tons of ammunition, and setting up FEMA concentration camps, and we're to assume this all relates to a carefully planned out pandemic "orchestrated" by the government in order to confiscate your personal arsenal.

               I could do without this sort of stuff so soon after our return to civilization, but I guess we don't get to pick and choose which moron leads off the batting roster for the other team.  It's like turning on the television after being away for a while, only to find every channel has the same nature documentary airing... the one about jackals retching...

                I'm trying to remember my own theory about conservatives and their conspiracy theories, the one that I came up with after taking a close look at a football parlay card.  Up at the top of the card there were helpful words of advice, and I think they apply here: